I’ll never understand adults who don’t create anything. Not a single journal page, craft, or even a doodle. Some people are considering scrolling a “hobby” now. I guess that’s why I dislike a majority of people. I just prefer interesting people more than happy people. That’s why I create, for a better chance to make some friends. But it’s a painful addiction to be an artist. Back pain, isolation, the whole package. Sure, I go out to creative events but that’s only once a month. That’s why I spend so much time on the internet, it’s just easier that way.

As for today’s plan, I’m going to a salsa class and social. My parents told me to go out more so this was the best event I could think of, especially since the drinking culture here is not only stupid but expensive. Twenty dollars a week times fifty two equals one thousand and forty dollars. I could get a Steam Deck with that without the health risks of liver and brain cell damage...But, I do drink low sugar root beer occasionally. That hits the spot on a hot day. I like to take walks, but only during the evenings or mornings. Not at noon, since it’s uncomfortable and way too sunny. Too much sun is too much fun.

I wasn’t always like this. I was a lot more open back then, but I soon realized that no one really cared for what I had to say. So I slowly became quiet and began to play video games again. But that felt lonely since I was racing against computers in Mario Kart Wii. I tried to convince my family to play one race but even that was too much of an ask. I began to pretend that the computers were actually my family members playing with me, but the illusion withered as soon as reality faded into my conscious.

I didn’t always like drawing, it began with a friend. She inspired me to draw again, since she was always posting her art online and was always positive to just about anything. She appreciated my effort even though my art was terrible. But, it got a few likes from random people so that was kinda exciting at the time...Then time began to slip away. She went to a university that was a 12 hour drive away while mine was only 30 minutes. Nowadays I try to sketch but even that becomes burdensome. I get home from work, then leave for errands and finally arrive home again. I used to enjoy reading and drawing, but by the end of the day my headache drums so loudly that I just want to sleep without thinking about the mountain of reminders, tasks and lingering thoughts that not only follow me, but torment me. As for the social tonight...whatever happens, happens.

I just got back from the social. I was 5 minutes late but they didn’t start yet, thankfully. Everyone was already in their friend groups when I arrived so I sat in the corner and looked out the window. I began imagining that I was living an ordinary life in Denmark, ordering fresh made pastries during my morning bike ride to work. As I saw more cars passing by, a small negative thought quickly rolled into an avalanche. I was about to disassociate into a more socialable person until someone walked up to me. We exchanged names and some conversation but then the class started and I couldn’t talk until after the class. The class ended but everyone was already in their friend groups so I couldn’t talk until after the conversation. Then the dance social started so I couldn’t talk until after the dance social.

By the time everything had settled, I already lost interest. I walked far away from the group without a word. I got my jacket and left. As soon as I got home I realized that I didn’t really like dancing. Not only am I bad at it, but it makes me feel even more lonely since I’m not good at it, while everyone else is. It was more of a potential hobby than anything. Overall, as much as I’d like to blame the world, I can only blame myself for not practicing what I want to accomplish. I could be more social, but I need to go out more and talk more. I could be a better salsa dancer, but I need to practice salsa with someone to learn effectively.

To get somewhere, anywhere in life, I have to start by walking. Even though I’d prefer to fly, in my daydreams at least. Now I kinda understand why some people don’t create, but that’s a void I’ll try avoid eye contact with for as long I can. What better way to counter the void than to create more than the void consumes? Peace! – Mitsuki.